some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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