um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
