this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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