how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
