I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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