Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
