On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
