tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
