i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
