theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
