This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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