I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Couch. On fire.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
