I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
false alarm, still single
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