guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
