We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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