wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
