Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
