New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
