areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
