sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
