i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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