The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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