I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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