I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
