Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
