In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
