I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
