I feel great
I just peed on a car
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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