I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think people are normalizing furries
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
