i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
