she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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