i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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