I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
