My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
