Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
