and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
