Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
