Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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