Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Someone shit on the floor
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
