If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
