i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
