Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
