I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
