Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
