i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
