I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
