Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
