I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
