I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
