Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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