Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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